Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Raw (A Re-post)

You see the edge of a blunt blade as you slowly bring it to your wrist.

It starts with a dull sensation as the blade goes back and forth across the thin skin. 

Then comes the searing pain; the skin finally rips.  You know it is coming, yet a part of you is still caught off-guard by the immediacy of the sensation. 

But you do not stop, even as you see the warm blood slowly trickling down your arm.

You continue shearing the skin until you see the gaping, pink flesh through the jagged tear of the skin.

And as you cotinue this act of self-mutilation, you wonder, 

will this pain override

the pain you suddenly feel in the middle of the night

when your defenses are down,

the pain that is brought upon

by being utterly


Sometimes I wish I were more of an emotional person instead of a rational one.  At least with emotional people, they are used to handling emotions of all sorts, be it simple joy or profound sadness.  

I am not one of those.

I tend to intellectualize feelings until they are altogether stripped off their value as feelings per se.  What are left are neat, arranged, and sterile packages ready for filing into the cabinet of compartmentaliztion.  Hence, when faced with strong surges of emotions, I have a problem dealing with them.  When I was younger, I used to deal with this raw feelings by hurting myself.  But through the years, I have learned to stem this behavior by acknowledging the feelings, savor them for a bit, and then letting them go.

But I will be honest.

Sometimes, just sometimes, the thought of the blade slicing through my skin is very tempting indeed.


  1. isa kang masokista teh ternie! char


    hanggang ngayon teh hindi ko mawari kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng top ten at hall of fame na nasa kanang bahagi ng blog mo. paki-paliwanag naman teh!

  2. I wonder what triggered this "repost", Ternie. I heard people hurt themselves physically as a way to give form to the emotional pain they feel inside. Was that how you feel/felt?


  3. Ewan: tseeeeeeeh ~X(


    Kane: nothing really. i was just randomly looking through my archives for soemthing to re-post ;)

    the whole idea is a mixture of distraction and transference, i guess. a substitution of one pain for another, but ultimately an exercise in futility because there is no forthcoming resolution.

  4. Una, haymishu, ternie.

    Pangalawa, pasok ako sa top ten, pero dapat damihan ko pa ang comments para umangat ako at maging top na bottom commenter. LOL

    Pangatlo, hole of famer din akey.

    Pang-apat, bakit inactive and link kay iurico? May gap kayo noh? LMAO. Chikadora lang, teh.

  5. hmm.

    i can relate on so many levels. but specifically, i know how profound sadness tastes like. but to be fair, i haven't even entertained the idea of slitting my wrist.

    just because.

    but i think, during these moments of solitary sadness, the pain is so deep and the cut is so painful that no amount of physical pain can even qualify how broken you are.

    when the heart bleeds, a little part of yourself dies each time.

  6. Same with Kane, I initially wondered what triggered the repost.

    Ako, I think I'm more emotional than rational. It sucks though, because often, I find it difficult to express myself in, well, understandable terms. Haha.

  7. Caridad: haymishootoo :( kunwa-kunwariang secretive kasi si iurico, kaya di accesible ang blogger profile page nya lolz

    Claudio: kaya nga iwas emo as much as possible :P

    Manech: hayanuvahyun, walang issue, ok? :P

    :)) @understandable terms!