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Sometimes, the mantra
"Lalaki ka lang. Kayang-kaya kitang palitan." 

slides easily like butter off my tongue. 

It is a lip service that is paid and uttered

 through a mask of indifference and pride.

Just Between You and Me

The Haunting (A Re-Post Because Eternal Wanderer Is Gaya-Gaya)

I was lost in thought as I was walking around the neighborhood well past midnight. I have always taken pleasure in these midnight walks. The solitariness of this nocturnal activity has consistently provided a certain measure of comfort; the relaxed pace of the strolling helping to clear away the sticky cobwebs in my thoughts. This particular occasion was turning out to be no different from what I have done in the past. Or so I thought.

The Oddity of Triggered Memories

It was raining cats and dogs when I decided to take a look at my Facebook profile. I was surprised when I saw that someone tagged a few photos of me. It was an album of my last trip in Europe. Eying a particular picture, I noticed that the girls had earrings on their ears. That wasn't unusual since it was snapshot of our sound-check before a performance. What was weird was that I also had an earring still left on. I can't remember if I did use my earrings when singing onstage. There are a lot of stage no-no's in our group, and I'm almost sure that guys wearing earrings are one of them. Nonetheless, I think I was in the position of power enough to get away with those cosmetic infractions while performing. Besides, I would've threatened our manager that I'd go straight back home in the middle of a competition tour if he'd flag me down for wearing my earrings onstage.

Memories and Cowardice: An Apology

"Anong pagkain mo sa bag?" I asked as I approached my friend at the back of the bus. We were enroute from Sweden to Germany; I was hungry and it was way past lunch time with no pit stop in sight.

She smiled as she handed me her large tote bag.

"Eto, may tinapay pa at mga jam from breakfast kanina. May nilagang itlog din dyan. Hanapin mo na lang yung asin sa pakete."

Delete Button

It's very atypical of me to go on impulsive fits. I normally take time to think out my decisions, to consciously weigh the pros and cons. Case in point: the former blogger Jayvee complains whenever he accompanies me to shop. He says it takes me twenty minutes to decide between a matte and beaded facial wash, and another ten minutes to chose a night moisturizer or an spf-10 one.

Baklita decisions lang talaga ano?

In Search of Happiness

 "When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times, you must grab on to the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face first out of the dirt - it is not selfishness, but obligation."

Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Ever After

I wish I could say it ended up like a fairytale: the prince and I meet, we fall in love, and then we live happily ever after. And for a brief time, I actually thought we would.  He was charming as a prince, after all.  Tall, dashing, smart, well-established, seemingly sensitive as a poet, and having an inner core of strength that comes with tribulations in life - a perfect package that one only reads in children's bedtime stories. But what attracted me most was the way he'd cry at things that would tug at his heart: a nostalgic kundiman, or even a touching blog post or two.

Borne Out of Tears and Darkness

 Nang Kumerembang si Eternal Wanderer sa Opisina 5

"Ternie...Ternie," I heard a voice softly calling out to me in the darkness of my room.

I was still crouched under the sheets. I slowly opened my eyes, and tried to look at who it was. As my bleary sight adjusted, I saw Pedro seated on the floor with his back against the wall. I was surprised.because he arrived earlier than I expected. He was supposed to meet his cousin to get packages meant for his relatives in the province.

"Uhmmm, anong oras ka dumating?" I replied to him groggily.

He just stared at me for several seconds.

For Anthony (A Repost)

Dear Anton,

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it?  I'd offer a thousand and one excuse for not writing you at all, but hey, better late than never ehehehehe

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Dear Ternie,

Running is ok.

I just hope, though, that you're running towards something.

And not away from something.

Love,

Ternie.
-----
Does the destination matter more than the journey?

To Meet or Not to Meet?

Sa mga matagal nang nagbabasa ng blog ko, alam nyo naman na si Spice ang paborito kong ex.  Ewan ko talaga kung bakit.  Siguro kasi masiyahin syang tao.  Madali lang patawanin.  Kaya nung tumawag sya isang hapon, kinilig ang tumbong ko e sinagot ko naman ito kahit ikliping beauty ang drama ko.

Farewell to Never Never Land

"We can only offer," she paused for a moment, "this certain amount. Tell me then, why would you accept it?"

The girl in front of me was pretty and charming.  And she was made of steel, too.  Being of the petite and fragile looks, I thought she would be a pushover.  I was shooting back questions after questions even as she was interviewing me. But she held her ground against my not-so-subtle probing. I was impressed.  I made a mental note not to judge a book by its cover. Looks can really be deceiving.

Raw

You see the edge of a blunt blade as you slowly bring it to your wrist.

It starts with a dull sensation as the blade goes back and forth across the thin skin. 

Then comes the searing pain; the skin finally rips.  You know it is coming, yet a part of you is still caught off-guard by the immediacy of the sensation. 

The Embedded Memory in Comfort Food

Everyone has his or her own  idea of what comfort food is.  It is highly subjective; most of  the association stemming  from pleasant  and memorable childhood experiences. For us Filipinos, what food could give more comfort than our own cuisine?  For some, it may be a bowl of pipping-hot sinigang na baboy, the meat and fat quivering in its softness, the vegetables green and crunchy, and the soup so sour  that one can't help but shudder in delight.  For others, it may be the humble adobo, be it saucy or dry, dark or light, sour or salty.  Eggs and potatoes are optional of course, but it is always best if it's lovingly cooked at home.

Roadkill of a Heart

No recriminations, no bitterness. I understand where you're coming from.

It may not have been grand, it may not have been a lot, but I'd like to believe there was SOMETHING. It was that something that fueled all those times I chose to keep you company through the night. It was that something that fueled my patience in trying to adjust to who and what you are.  It was that something the fueled my acceptance of our difficult situation.

Mothers and Sons 3

"Anak, are you hungry?", my mother asked me while I was busy writing stuff in front of the computer.

"Mmmmm," I grunted a non-committal reply.

-----

Ever since my mother arrived along with her adopted daughter, I've been extra sullen and moody. A lot of my talking either has been reduced to monosyllables or to shakes and nods of the head. I think she's been chucking it up to my artistic temperament; one time, she even patted my cheeck and said I'm starting to take after Popsy with the way I communicate.

On This Day, Revisited

I am but a fruit not fallen afar from the tree where it hence came from.

The tree, for all its imperfections, stands tall and proud despite the gales it has weathered. Its mighty trunk is firmly anchored on the ground, and on its sturdy branches , a place to perch is to be found.

But perhaps, most importantly, its shade provides respite from the wilting heat of the summer scorch, and a canopy for shelter from the lashing monsoon rains.

If the fruit can only spring into half of what the tree is, then I know I shall be well in life.

Happy birthday Pops. I may not say this often, but I truly, truly love you.

-----
a greeting post from a son to a father, albeit of the most belated kind.

Related link:
On This Day, Revisited

In the Eye of the Storm

"Nada de turbe. Todo se pasa."

Let nothing disturb you. All things are passing.

- St. Teresa of Avila

When the wind is high, and the turbulence in life seeks to overwhelm me, I say these very words to myself.

I try to remind myself that the raging storm around me is all but temporary. After all, the air is cleaned and refreshened after a tumultuous thunderstorm.

But Serenity, if you're out there listening, you are more than welcome to come in anytime.

Into my heart. Into my soul.

-----
juskolord, pakidalian ang unos. please.

More Midnight Tales

The Rendezvous 2

I had a bad episode a few nights ago. Driving along the span of Commonwealth past midnight, a stray thought suddenly crossed my mind. I was so caught off-guard that I almost hit the brakes dead stop. It just came out of nowhere, and at that moment, all my processing and resolutions meant nothing to me. It just went down the drain like dirty dishwater that couldn't wait to get to the sewers.

You see, while I was driving, I suddenly thought of Spice.

We had a game whenever he was at my place. He has always been fastidious with his looks. I found it amusing to see him preen in front of the mirror, fixing his shirt or styling his hair. I never tired of mock-teasing him about it, and he'd respond with a mock smirk of his own. But in the middle of it all, I would usually end up hugging him from behind and bury my face in his nape. I'd then take my time inhaling the scent of his perfume.

(I can't breathe. No, I can. But the only thing I can breathe is the memory of your scent. Oh God. It hurts.)

"Smile ka naman," I'd cajole him while rubbing his goatee.

"Ayaw."

"Sige na, please?"

Even then, I could see him suppress a smile that was forming. A suppressed smile which all the more brought out his dimple.

(Be still, my heart. Please.)

It was a just a routine, but it always managed to take my breathe away. For in my heart's eye, he was most handsome at that time.

"I love you," I'd say as I kiss him tenderly on the cheek.

He'd sigh and whisper softly, "I love you, too."

(Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Why are you torturing yourself with these sketches of the past?)

My heart winced as I continued driving behind the wheel. I haven't felt that pain in years. I had forgotten how excruciating it can be. Dammit. Why do these things suddenly pop out of the blue just when your defenses are down and you're at your most vulnerable?

When shit hits the fan, it spreads around. Big time.

My tears started to well up even before I managed to chuck my half-spent cigarette. I closed the window, and the night road before me was a blur. All I had for company was a radio on full blast as I sped straight to heartache city.

With One Glimpse