Disorganized Patterns of Thoughts 4

4. No matter how you put it, yes, he is still in a relationship. That has never been equivocal to me, and has always been clear from the very start. That's why I never make a fuss when he says he's going to the hospital to visit the boyfriend. There are no assurances, perhaps only borrowed time.

-----

Save for weekends, we have been going out almost on a nightly basis. We usually have dinner, then hangout and talk. He seldom brings up the topic of his boyfriend's condition, but when he does, I make it point to lend an empathetic ear to the situation. I myself never broach the topic out of a twisted sense of delicadeza.

I may have stolen kiss from his back shoulders once or twice. A kiss on his nape, once. Even a kiss on his cheek. Yet, no physical intimacy has happened between us. I won't be a hypocrite and say I don't want to. There are times I have to call on my will of steel and self-discipline so I wouldn't end up grabbing him to get it over with. He's handsome, my physical type, and a hottie, to boot. But I am not ready to agitate the status quo yet. And I feel, neither is he, too.

In the meantime, all I want to do is to create that safe space whenever he is with me. No dramas, no complications, no worries. If for nothing else, I want to build his memory of me as someone who gave him genuine happiness at that point in his life.

Tsssss.

Spoken like a true querido.

Does that leave me then in the precarious position of being the kept man?

Truth be told, I don't know.

What I do know is that in trying to make him happy, I create my own happiness as well.

What I do know is that he also likes me. That is something I hold on to, no matter how flimsy it is.

And what I know is that I that I will lay out the naked truth, right here, right now: I am truly and honestly starting to love him.

Dammit.

-----
fin.