Monday, February 24, 2014

Disorganized Patterns of Thoughts 4

4. No matter how you put it, yes, he is still in a relationship. That has never been equivocal to me, and has always been clear from the very start. That's why I never make a fuss when he says he's going to the hospital to visit the boyfriend. There are no assurances, perhaps only borrowed time.


Save for weekends, we have been going out almost on a nightly basis. We usually have dinner, then hangout and talk. He seldom brings up the topic of his boyfriend's condition, but when he does, I make it point to lend an empathetic ear to the situation. I myself never broach the topic out of a twisted sense of delicadeza.

I may have stolen kiss from his back shoulders once or twice. A kiss on his nape, once. Even a kiss on his cheek. Yet, no physical intimacy has happened between us. I won't be a hypocrite and say I don't want to. There are times I have to call on my will of steel and self-discipline so I wouldn't end up grabbing him to get it over with. He's handsome, my physical type, and a hottie, to boot. But I am not ready to agitate the status quo yet. And I feel, neither is he, too.

In the meantime, all I want to do is to create that safe space whenever he is with me. No dramas, no complications, no worries. If for nothing else, I want to build his memory of me as someone who gave him genuine happiness at that point in his life.


Spoken like a true querido.

Does that leave me then in the precarious position of being the kept man?
Truth be told, I don't know.

What I do know is that in trying to make him happy, I create my own happiness as well.

What I do know is that he also likes me. That is something I hold on to, no matter how flimsy it is.

And what I know is that I that I will lay out the naked truth, right here, right now: I am truly and honestly starting to love him.




  1. Ang sakit nito, Ternie! The best love affairs are the ones where everything tells you to stop pero go go go ka pa rin. Maybe one day, he'll be yours. Maybe it'll end in tears. I don't really know pero it's a very interesting place to be in!

    1. there's a certain fascination in watching ang impending trainwreck, no?

  2. Replies
    1. kalandian agad agad?

      di ba pwedeng dalisay, busilak, at mayuming pagmamahal muna?