Ramblings 2

The low, steady hum of the electric fan is lulling me to flesh out writing once more. Unstrangely enough, it's past one in the morning. It seems like the whole world is hushed, affording me the peace and quietude that is seemingly elusive during the light of day.

It's during these post-midnight forays that introspection comes into fore. I most certainly have been taking sweet time in enjoying my down-time these past few months. No regrets, because every decision in life is a choice. And I have chosen to hide myself from the world, to flee from all contact that has been my comfort zone all these years. Ironically though, solitude has been equally comforting as well. How long this will last, I have no idea. I shall let myself be whim to the tides of life and let it wash me over to wherever shore it fancies me to bring.

Time check

10:00 a.m.

Sleep. Must sleep. I really need to sleep.

The Former's Later, or How I met up with THE GIRLFRIEND of an ex and actually ended enjoying the experience

It's always nice to catch up with (our sub-group of) Real Estate, Film Director, and Varsity Boy. Our journey from the carefree, high school kids to quasi-successful adults has brought us to divergent paths, and yet, we somehow manage to find a common junction once in while where the juvenile in us set afoot once again (ugh, word vomit alert! hahahaha). But the spotlight tonight was actually on Ditse's. Uhmmm...who? Oh, yeah, Ditse is Varsity Boy's newest woman (I'm being PC here). I finally got to meet her tonight at Chilli's, and surprisingly, I honestly had fun with the company of the opposite sex for a change!

I'm not implying that Varsity Boy's a Casanova-wannabe type (but I'm sure he'd fancy to be one - yeah, IN YOUR DREAMS VARSITY BOY!), but he's had a fair share of (girlfriends from hell) relationship sinkers. Somehow, in his amorous misadventures, he's finally (I hope) found someone who fits him perfectly. What's there not to like? She's classy, but can rough it up with the boys. She's articulate, sassy, and brimming with joie de vivre. Therefore, the perfect foil to the sensitive and brooding Varsity Boy. Heck, I shouldn't even have bothered to psyche myself up to be bubbly and all, as is always the case when meeting new people. I'm sure she would've been equally cool (sana) if I were cranky, not in the mood, and in that anti-social mode (over sa pagka-NEGAstar - if that were the case, why should I even bother to go out?) The whole point is, she radiates this mature, confident but engagingly warm personality that's very easy to like. I hate doing this (no, let me change that: I would LOOOOVE to do this, and sure, call me a mean, superficial, and judgemental a-hole, thank you very much) but Ditse is so way ahead of the wives/girlfriends club. Tootsie Roll, candy and all (pun all intended), is a bit too coñotic for comfort (it's so hilarious seeing Barney trying to keep up with her). Kate Moss is drop-dead gorgeous, but tries too hard to be coño, - I'm sorry, I just don't buy the act (then again Kate Moss + G.I. Jose = perfect airhead couple.) Push Button is too type-A personality for my taste (read: bossy...dear lord, is it going to be the under-the-saya case for Real Estate in the future?) and (I am being a total social snoot here...taena, dami kong disclaimers!) is simply below us Ateneans (Fuck, I can so not believe I just said that... Me to me: Potah, ang dami mo talagang side-comments!) Volleybelle, Doctora, and the rest I simply feel that I have to put on a show of either being quiet and restrained in order not to bruise their sensibilities, or deliberately be course-mouthed just to be of some shock value in a freakish sorta way. This is where Ditse becomes a cut above the rest: I can be as raunchy as I want, as well as be in a don't-talk-to-me-I'm-not-in-the-mood mode , but she'd still make me be comfortable in the come-as-you-are type of way.

I really feel she's a keeper. And varsity Boy, dang it, you me one for this long post! HAHAHAHAHA

Love in the time of cholera

Okay, now I admit: I still adhere to that romanticized notion of a relationship after all. I mean, if I weren’t, I’d just jump into it with anyone that comes along my merry way, yes? Oftentimes, I catch myself citing what I learned in Rationalizations 101 – get into it only with the right person. But heck, is that thing even possible? Hell yeah, I’ve been around, that's for sure. But somehow in that unending quest to find the right guy, I end up at 3 in the morning wondering why in the world is it so hard Mr. Right. Sure, he may be eye-candy, but he’s as dull as my granny’s rocking chair. He may be bibo and all kwela, but ugh, not really my physical type. Gawd, these past 2 years, I’ve only met 3 people I actually was really interested in. Unfortunately, Josh was still in that rebound phase and eventually exiled himself to Palawan, Russ, well, wasn’t just into me for the long run, and RJ was simply too flighty (and not to mention had a tendency to be a story-telling-a-liar). A3 was simply a fluke. Major Fluke. Don’t even get me started on him. Aaaaargh, so tell me, should start junking this farkin’ idealization of relationships, or is patience a virtue because Mr. Right just around the corner?

Sheesh, I'm starting to sound like a really 3rd rate Carrie in Sex in the City wannabe with all these rhetorics HARHARHARHAR

Ramblings 1

It's 10 in the morning, and I've barely slept for 3 hours. For the past month or two, I've had an erratic sleeping pattern, but the basic story is that I've managed to screw up (again) my sleeping hours. Day is night, and night is day for me. Of course, it's a pain in the ass trying to sleep during the day because of the darned summer heat and the ambient noise of (normal) people going about their business. But the eloquent silence night time brings is beguiling, and the solitude it affords is strangely comforting for me. It's as if time suspends itself, and carries away all the hurts of the soul.

Dammit, I'm getting too lyrically poetic here for comfort. The effect of sleep deprivation, is it not? Off to bed then, for a feeble attempt at getting some decent sleep.

Self-conversations 1

ME: I’m in a rut right now.

me: Oy vey! (Snorts) Here we go again….Aren't you a bit too old for this kind of crap?

ME: Stop being a prick. I’m entitled to it, you know. It’s been what? 2 years since the last one.

me: And tell me, will this always be the case for the rest of your freakin’ miserable life?

ME: (Sighs) I dunno…but cut me some slack, will you? I’m trying to fix it a day at a time.

me: Like?

ME: Like I already talked to Mark. I told him I’m not happy in the Madz anymore. Or more like, I’m actually seething AT the Madz. For making me feel like a used up tissue paper after giving up 5 years of my life for the group. For not being an anchor to stabilize my life when I need it most. For not filling in my need to feel needed. For…

me: (Rolls eyes) Oh hunny, you’re such a drama queen…

ME: But then again, I realized that those feelings of inadequacies are of my own. There are my problems, not of anyone else’s. It’s not fair that I take out my resentments on others. I have to find a way to deal with them without getting angry at the whole world.

me: Ha! And you think that’s enough to win you the question-and-answer portion?

ME: Oh, shut the fuck up! (Laughs)

My start in searching

Sooooo, I finally succumbed to the lure of blogging. My brains are totally rotting, so I really need to find things to occupy myself with. I think writing would be good way to start things of. And here it goes….